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Monthly Archives: September 2014

What Scaring Turkeys and Catastrophic Thinking Have in Common

What Scaring Turkeys and Catastrophic Thinking Have in Common

I was out of the house for a while one day not too long ago, and when I came back, the kids were very excited to tell me how our 10-pound Shih Tzus, Samson and Delilah, scared off wild turkeys in our yard. Apparently, they howled and howled, diligently assuming their roles as our protectors, and when the turkeys returned a second time, the kids took Samson and Delilah out again so they could give those birds another talking-to.

I thought a lot about how my pups are really not any different in size than these feathered impostors in our yard. And how in that moment of angst, Samson and Delilah took their job seriously, no matter the cost. Yes, they bark at butterflies. They also bark at the black bear that visits our neighborhood each spring and fall. It really doesn’t matter the perceived foe—big or small—they’re at the ready to scare intruders off, tiny Shih Tzu teeth and all.

And isn’t that really what hypervigilance is? Don’t we all get that way sometimes? With some of the anxiety struggles in one of my children this past year, I have remained in a constant state of “watch,” not being able (or willing) to let down my guard. I think at the root of it is a trust issue. I wrongly believe that the minute I take a deep breath and sigh, all of the balls I think I am holding up in the air will crash down on our heads and shatter, never to be repaired. But, isn’t that really arrogant in a way? Do I really even hold them up? When I look in a mirror reflecting back, I see them up there, but it’s not my hand keeping them spinning in the air. It’s an invisible, mighty one attached to my Father in heaven.

And, the truth is: I have had to scare turkeys this year. There have been wild flocks coming into my life pecking at what doesn’t belong to them. There have been bullies (in adult form), anxiety, depression, toxic people, gossip, malice, slander, you name it! Things have been taken, or attacked, that were mine. And then beyond our own home were dear ones struggling through job loss, affliction, mental illness, death, disease, injury, personal loss of other kinds.

Sound familiar? It’s the world outside of the Garden of Eden—

—And we all live in it.

So, it’s easy to see why we get catastrophic in our thinking after a while. After a year (or even a few weeks) of one thing after another slamming up against us, we don’t live just “at the ready.” We live at Disaster Preparedness Level 10.

And that’s where I was sitting when I went in to see my son’s therapist to check in, only to have her tell me I was readying for a war that isn’t really even on the horizon. And while I wasn’t suited up sitting in a tank, I was definitely eyeing the property line for more turkeys. She more or less told me I could relax my shoulders now. It’s not all up to me. The turkeys aren’t there right now. At ease, Bonnie. At ease.

Say what now? It’s not all up to me?

That was such a huge relief.

I cried for days after that.

Because she was right.

If the Time of Great Sadness comes back into our house again, God will be with me just as much as He was then. Like Samson and Delilah, I will naturally kick into protective mode, but I don’t have to live there all of the time. I can enjoy the in-between moments and live. My Shih Tzus bound around fighting over a rubber alligator and see how many different ways they can jump on my couch when I’m not looking—and practice quick jump-aways for when I am.

The turkeys aren’t actively hanging out in our yard right now. They’re probably a few streets over taking their good ole time crossing a road in rush hour traffic—just because they can. Samson and Delilah aren’t staring out the window in expectation of them. They only scare them off when the need arises.

When anxiety strikes and we can’t let go, we need to know we don’t have to walk around scaring off turkeys. They will find us; they always do, eventually, and if we’re prayerful and consulting with our Father in heaven, we’ll know how to scare them into retreat when they do. But not everything is a wild turkey.

And there’s so much living to do in-between the times the turkeys visit. Catastrophic thinking steals our joy, drains us of the energy we need when it is time to protect, and cheats us of the peace of looking up into the very capable eyes and arms of the loving Peace Giver.

Isaiah 26:3, Isaiah the Prophet speaking

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

John 14:27, Jesus speaking

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

This blog has also been shared at any link highlighted here: Mom 2 Mom Monday Link-Up, Make a Difference Mondays, Pick Your Pin Tuesday, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Grace & Truth, A Little R & R, RaRa Link-Up, Me, Coffee & Jesus, Dance With Jesus, Blessing Counters, Coffee & Conversation, Saturday Soiree, Tell His Story, Find Stability, So Much at Home, Faith-Filled Fridays, Reflect His Love and Glory Link-Up, Bonbon ‘n Coffee Linkup, and Christian Mommy Blogger.

More anecdotal stories about an everyday relationship with God can be found in Not Just on Sundays: Seeking God’s Purpose in Each New Day (includes Book Club Discussion Questions).

 

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“Don’t Let Anyone Look Down on You Because You Are Young” — Apostle Paul

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My husband and I teach a Junior High Sunday School class. Last summer, the class read Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations* by Alex and Brett Harris. It challenged us to not be content with what is culturally expected of teenage behaviors and complacency. It set the bar higher with examples of teens running political campaigns, fundraising for good causes, etc. It even provided historical examples of great people who did incredible things at very young ages. (This is about giving teenagers opportunities while young and not waiting until adulthood; it is not about stressing teens out with too many activities. Reference “Pressure Cooker Culture: Is High School in America Becoming an Initiation into a Lifetime of Stress” for more on the subject of stress in high school students.)

Where can we bring our kids, or children/students we love, alongside us and teach them part of a trade/business or philanthropic pursuit?

Both of my sons (ages 14 and 8) would like to guest-blog on my site. All three of my children are participating in writing a children’s book with me. Chickie (age 11) learned to cook muffin tin meals over the summer in her Sunday School class. Now she serves us dinner one night a week.

It’s so simple, and yet, so many times I still get stuck in the mindset that it’s easier to do something for them than to teach them to do it—or even expect them to do it, and to do it well.

It honestly starts when you have your younger child sort the socks or stick bulk snack items in 20 ziplock snack bags for school lunches that week.

Or run a lemonade stand.

Or help oversee a garage sale.

And it builds confidence until they are soon running part of your home business or making calls to raise money for a good cause.

I’m a firm believer that God’s purposes for us do not start at 18 or 20-something. I’ve seen young children pray for other children, out loud, ministering and loving, like Jesus. They keep it simple and don’t trip up in theology. They just come straight to Jesus.

Example 1:

Over the summer, my very hardworking husband had promised to get my author web site up and running. But he also travels frequently. And he promised to build a loft bed for my teen. And he worked on a do-it-yourself system to heat the aging pool. And he counseled me over several areas of angst in recent months. And he loved on his kids.

So, I decided to take him off this assignment that was stressing us both out and really placing unreasonable expectations on one person (which is a really good blog subject for another day), and suddenly, there was my 14 year old man-son looking at me, looking old enough to take on this endeavor.

I commissioned Oldest Son to get a web site designed and running. And yes, he worked with templates within WordPress, but he sorted out various designs and layouts he thought would work with “Espressos of Faith” and researched/studied all widgets, metrics, and other features of the site. And with our permission, he launched the site, while we were on vacation, of course—because that’s how we roll. But he also checks the metrics, geographical information, search engine terms, and “clicks” on different links daily, and he advises me on good topics to post on which days based on metrics. He taught me how to navigate the site, and he is now looking into Google ads. He even instructs me in catchy titles and target words to use. Having someone else consider this side of the business frees me up to do what I love: write.

He can’t drive. He isn’t old enough to gain employment in very many places yet, but he has learned much about research, marketing, promotion, web sites, and advertising from his experience with his robotics teams over the years. Consequently, he served as a wonderful assistant all summer, so much so that I am considering putting him regularly on the payroll even during the school year. He did what I could not easily do on my own, and we both learned a lot about each other and the business in the process. Win-win.

Example 2:

I am very proud of all of the amazingly cool things my Junior High Sunday School students do with their lives already, and I could write volumes about any one of them. Today, with permission, I mention one particular student who has been boarding dogs in her home since she was 10 years old. She provides doggie spa services, plays with them, sets up obstacle courses, and produces a blog post about them while their owners are away. She also knows a tremendous amount about each breed and how to cater to their needs, and she maintains clear records for each pet. Her mother tells me that she now has 55 furry clients and people booking out for months in advance. My Shih Tzus, Samson and Delilah, had to plan their stay carefully around her other bookings, and they had a great time!

Can you imagine learning that much about caring for animals, interacting with adult clients, and employing siblings as needed, starting at 10 years of age?

Example 3:

Our Junior High Sunday School class over this summer has been working with different artistic media and technical arts to produce a short film—reality-show-style—of the account of Noah’s ark. In the process, we have learned much about the biblical account and the God who spared Noah and his family—fascinating facts not usually given attention in children’s books.

Our students have executed building the ark to scale (Minecraft), watercolored, oil painted, clay-modeled, cartooned, and sketched several scenes of the account. From start to finish, they chose the topic, planned the scenes, collaborated on who would take which part of it, brainstormed, listened to feedback, shared their lives, and encouraged each other. Next week we film.

Sound ordinary? Not to me. I know so many adults who can’t do this in a room together, even in a professional setting. Forget training sessions offered by Human Resources departments around the country! These students could offer team-building seminars on how to peacefully and graciously interact and build something together, allowing for differences and capitalizing on each other’s strengths, as well as taking a risk and trying something new or different, outside their comfort zones.

1 Timothy 4:12, Apostle Paul speaking

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

As the Apostle Paul exhorts us, “set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.” It’s not just what these teens do, although that’s very inspiring, but it’s very much what they learn along the way in how they do it—and what message that sends to the world around them.

*Harris, Alex, and Brett Harris. Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Books, 2008.

 

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Kaylee: A Story of Cerebral Palsy, Tremendous Endurance, and A Heart That Always Draws a Smile

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Espressos of Faith welcomes its second guest blogger. I first came to know Angelique (Angie) James and her family while living on Kwajalein Island, Republic of the Marshall Islands; our daughters were close in age and knew each other from school and community events. At the time, Dennis and Angie were expecting twins and preparing to head off island for the birth. [The hospital on Kwajalein was no longer set up for labor and delivery, so expectant mothers went off island to have their babies. Mothers of multiples had to leave the island sooner as a precaution.] Angie was healthy, and for really no explainable reason at all—except that because it sometimes just happens—twin girls arrived before Angie could be medivaced to Hawaii. Medical staff fought hard to keep the girls alive, but Kaylee lost her twin sister in the fight for her own life. What followed were many years of prayer, hope, and faith: a few steps forward and unfortunate setbacks. But along the way, Kaylee’s bright smile and amazing story impacted our island community and many around the world. God continues to show His amazing purposes for her life despite and through her disability. The James family still walks this road; it’s a trial ever before them. Angie so graciously offers her story (below) to shed a mother’s light and love on living with disability, build understanding and compassion in others, and honor her hero and mine, Kaylee. Here’s Angie…

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Six and a half years ago, our youngest daughter, Kaylee, was born 13 weeks early. Weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces, doctors did not know if she would survive, but Kaylee proved to be a fighter then and still is now. When she was two years old, she was diagnosed with spastic hemiparetic diplegia cerebral palsy, which is a very technical way of saying that the cerebral palsy (CP) affects everything except her left arm. Many ask, “What is CP?”

The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke describes it as follows: “Cerebral palsy refers to a group of neurological disorders that appear in infancy or early childhood and permanently affect body movement and muscle coordination. Cerebral palsy is caused by damage to or abnormalities inside the developing brain that disrupt the brain’s ability to control movement and maintain posture and balance. The term cerebral refers to the brain; palsy refers to the loss or impairment of motor function. Cerebral palsy affects the motor area of the brain’s outer layer (called the cerebral cortex), the part of the brain that directs muscle movement. In some cases, the cerebral motor cortex hasn’t developed normally during fetal growth. In others, the damage is a result of injury to the brain either before, during, or after birth. In either case, the damage is not repairable and the disabilities that result are permanent.”

In Kaylee’s case, it was caused by severe brain damage when she was born. Once the brain is damaged, there is no way to repair it, but we can limit the impact that the brain damage has caused, to a certain extent. Through intensive therapy and a whole lot of hard work, Kaylee can retrain her brain, but the key is that it has to be done early in life while there is still brain development.

She endures daily therapy in order for her to retrain the brain and gain muscle memory. She is stretched so that the spasticity does not cause the tendons, ligaments, and muscles to shorten. Imagine stretching out a Charley horse; this is some three to four times a day on both legs and one arm. It is painful.

Then, there are the emotional pains:

  • Of being left out because you can’t keep up with your friends
  • Of being stared at and pointed to by those who lack understanding of and/or compassion toward people with disabilities
  • Of being disappointed when you can’t button your own pants or put on your own socks and shoes

Living with a disability is not easy, but I watch her fight every day to endure.

My six year old has a boatload of tenacity and spunk, and she is the type of child who lights up the room when she enters it. Recently, Kaylee has been going to aqua therapy, and the therapist told me, “I have never seen some of my patients smile, but when Kaylee enters the pool, she has them all smiling and having fun during therapy. She has fun, but she also works hard.”

I’ve always wondered where that spunk came from. Nothing gets her down; she is a very happy child. As I look at the struggles and pain that she endures on a daily basis due to Cerebral Palsy, I wonder how she keeps that positive attitude and smile. Many kids would throw out the “it’s not fair” line to anyone who would listen. Even children without disability say that—my 10 year old does, and she is a thriving, healthy child! God gave Kaylee a personality that was set to endure, and with this, I believe she will accomplish great things in her lifetime.

I have learned so much from my spunky little girl. She had made me see things through a light of gratitude for the simplest things. I am grateful that I can learn from her. She is an amazing blessing!

The James Family is participating in the Steptember fundraiser for United Cerebral Palsy. For more information/donations, please refer to:
https://event.steptember.us/donate/onbehalfof?id=b0144a60-52e3-4b2d-ab0c-b7418bbc22a1#.VAozc7mX2WQ.facebook

Credits: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/cerebral_palsy/detail_cerebral_palsy.htm

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Mental Wellness: Paper Airplanes in Full Flight

When You Are Loving Someone Through a Mental Health StruggleWhen you have a loved one struggle through a mental health issue, you almost stop breathing. You hold your breath each day and ask yourself: “Is he back? Is that him? Will he be staying for a while this time?”

The answer to “How is ____ doing?” has never been: “Aweome, totally back to normal!” or “Oh, all better, thanks!”

Because you don’t trust; you don’t let yourself hope too far into the future; you don’t assume brighter days. You wake up and weep in your Wheaties for the quickest flash of a smile, no matter how fleeting.

I will be dedicating some of my upcoming blogs to laying down the masks and shame associated with mental wellness (and lack of wellness) issues because we’ve personally dipped enough times into this pool to want to come alongside others and say:

“You’re not alone.”

I don’t pretend to understand or relate to every facet of mental health struggles. I am definitely not an expert on the subject. But I am ready to tell our story—which was first my story—and now has touched another one of us. And I won’t stop telling it, in careful honoring of those who struggle, until I feel the hope that carried us through has reached its proper audience.

This story isn’t just ours. It belongs to so many folks. As I finish up these first two books, I would appreciate prayer for this endeavor, for its reach, and for its purpose. I want to shine light in dark places and bring hope to the brokenhearted because that’s what Jesus did for us.

Below is a little glimpse of our better days lately because good moments are to be pinned up on a board and highlighted in bright neon, sang about, and danced to. We find joy and hope in each victory, and we thank God for sustaining us through both still-on-the-runway, engine-maintenance days as well as paper-airplanes-in-full-flight days because there is so much to be learned from both.

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Posted by on September 6, 2014 in Anxiety/OCD/Depression

 

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Pressure-Cooker Culture: Is High School in America Becoming an Initiation into a Lifetime of Stress?


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My high schooler recently sat down next to me and told me about friends taking five (sometimes six) honors classes in ninth grade (the school only recommends three at the most at a time), doubling up in advanced math/science/engineering. These students are 14 years old.

There was an unspoken question somewhere in him telling me that.

So, I took a deep breath and told him that while I would never put anyone down for that, because clearly academic achievement is a noble goal, our family makes a different choice because of our placing equal value on everything else that he does outside of academics: marching band, youth group, karate, robotics. I told him that:

  • We value good grades (“personal bests”)—but balanced with mental/emotional wellness.
  • We want to instill a good work ethic, along with built-in moments to unwind.
  • Statistics show way too many overworked, over-pressured high school students keeping themselves artificially awake in unhealthy (or even illegal) ways round the clockending up in psych wards having emotional breakdowns, or taking their lives. Yes, I realize there can be several factors playing into those situations, but academic pressure is one of them. In my opinion, one kid suffering in this way is one kid too many.
  • Ivy League college entrance letters and highly successful future careers are admirable things to reach for, as long as we keep perspective. Training my kids to live in a constant state of lifelong, self-driven pressure and stress, however, is not my end goal.  

I know some folks feel that the United States could increase education standards. I realize that the bar could be higher. It always can. I also know how well other countries around the world do in math and science. I attended college in one of those countries for a while, and I get it. I do. And I know in this increasingly high-tech world, kids are being pushed to take college-level classes sooner, push math advancement, interface with technology at earlier ages. Nothing is inherently wrong with that. I’m all for seeing what people are capable of and letting kids grow toward greater responsibilities, setting personal goals to do better.

But I also value well-rounded individuals with a wider understanding of the human experience. In the United States, college admissions counselors still look for after-school club involvement, community service, and extracurricular activities on the field, in the studio, and at the track. And they should. I don’t think we are doing 18 year olds a favor having them think the world is so narrow that as long as they can program in Python, they are all set for their future.

On the flip side, they need to learn how to balance stress, work and school, and the people in their lives, so I’m also not in favor of high school students in such a state of relaxation that they play video games for 6 hours straight while parents do the laundry and cook their meals. Either end of this pendulum swing has its pitfalls and dangers.

Honors-level classes are awesome if students can perform at that level. Go for it! Call me American (because I am), but honors classes at the expense of everything else—social interaction, activities that broaden character, serving the community, etc.—is where it can sometimes be out of focus.

Life outside the 40 to 60 hours of work per week these future adults will put in has so much more to it. If we teach our kids that academic achievement is the ultimate striving, then where is their personal satisfaction and fulfillment during downtime, when they are just kickin’ it with their families for a few days, or when they want to contribute something non-academic to society?

As one of my social media friends shared, when I brought this up in public forum: “It isn’t good to base an entire life on performance.” And that’s true of anything out of balance: performance of any kind, really.

In my humble opinion:

  • They need to learn how to talk to humans: their boss, their parents, other people’s parents, their coaches, their teachers, their peers.
  • They need to know how to stop and breathe when stress piles up, to prioritize a hectic schedule, to find a way to rest (which ironically, is designed to ultimately keep them at optimal performing level when they take the gift of rest), to wrestle through issues of faith, morality, and justice. To grow into adults who function emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, spiritually.
  • They need to see know how awesome it is to help in a soup kitchen, to run a marathon, to get a black belt in karate. Of course it’s not about doing all of those things—or even those particular things—just people-to-people interactions in general.

As I read my niece’s college application essays this summer, I thought: Well done! She is a high academic achiever but also mentored younger students in cheer, held a job, babysat, went on mission trips, anchored her school news reporting, among other responsibilities. She doesn’t appear to have let any one of those things get out of focus.

I’m glad my son and I had this talk because I saw relief on his face that we don’t expect six honors classes at a time. My parenting wasn’t so much in my saying “no, please don’t take that many” but rather in the why we don’t expect that. I saw the panic button stop going off. There was a life lesson right there that I hope he teaches his own children someday:

Balance, Son, balance.

Because if there’s anything I want my kids to know going into adulthood, it’s when to rest.

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Exodus 34:21, God speaking through Moses

“Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest.”

Mark 6:30-32, Apostle John-Mark narrating

The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. 

 

 

 

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Tracking with the ADHD Mind: Journey into Incredibleness

Tracking with the ADHD MindI was in the car with my 8 year old son this morning on the way to drop him to school. In the short 10 minute ride, his ADHD mind took me from perfect hairstyles for his waves and curls to new recipes he’d like to try when he opens his own “kitchen” next summer. He also talked about different ways he could get his friends interested in his latest toy subject. He had a plan for so many things.

But his plans were happening simultaneously. It was multitasking on a multi-core microprocessor level. He went so quickly I thought he would heat up and shut down, like my old Mac. I kept waiting for the abrupt blank screen.

And on these drives we have, I admittedly sometimes struggle with it. When I’m in rush hour traffic getting him somewhere, I don’t always enjoy hearing how Obama could take more authority to help people in XYZ ways, or we could get the toilet to flush more efficiently this way, or what do I think if he varies the current Pokémon toys just slightly to get a different customer base when he runs his own toy factory someday. And how about that ant poison recipe he wrote down in secret and made me promise to keep his formula safe? I can often be heard under my breath in a soft whisper: “Oh, God, please make it stop for second so I can drive. I can’t process this right now.”

But Little Man can.

He hears all of the signals of information at once, and from them, he brainstorms nonstop how to make the world a better place.

So, today, when I had a more leisurely drive, I listened better. I needed a full shot of espresso to keep up with him, but it fascinated me. And I suddenly didn’t want to stop him. I didn’t want to tune to just one channel of that amazing mind. I was greedy. I wanted all of his thoughts at once. I wanted him all ADHD-ed out, the pure, original him. For a few minutes, I think I was actually jealous—or at least deeply admiring.

I realize ADHD comes with its struggles and companion diagnoses. I know OCD, anxiety, depression, and learning disabilities often hitch a ride with these phenomenal minds. We have our own struggles with the combo meal served up frequently with ADHD in our house, and they are not easy. If I’m honest, of course, I don’t love those obsessive, wigged-out moments. Not at all.

And I know the level of creativity and intellect can vary with each individual.

I also fully understand why teaching these jet engines can have its challenges, and I support the medication and strategies offered by specialists in the field, when used appropriately.

But I want to listen more when he rattles on without pause. I want to be his stenographer. I am curious which ones, out of the multiple scenarios, solutions, and thought processes going on in his head—if we write them down—stand a chance of being acted upon someday.

Some see it as “mind clutter.” I see it as him hearing the many ideas God gives him at full speed ahead. And I see him racing after them, with great joy at hearing all of that at once.

But the joy stops when he sits down to focus on math problems at a desk for solid amounts of time, or when there is a school assembly he has to be still for. At those moments, he needs to hear one frequency only. And that is very difficult.

But there is a very happy, Tigger-y* bounce when he can be fully himself and run wild after the wind, with God whispering gusts of incredibleness straight through his mind. And his mind can keep up with it all, unlike mine, which would need a butterfly net to hold on to all of those thoughts at once.

And in the moments when we can, I choose joy for him. His jumble of thoughts propels him forward; it excites him about life and everything there is to discover and create. To take that from him all of the time is to erase shades of Little Man—and I love him bursting forth in full color.

For more on viewing ADHD as a blessing in disguise, refer to:

Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood through Adulthood by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey
http://www.drhallowell.com
http://www.johnratey.com

Why A.D.H.D. Doesn’t Mean Disaster by Dennis Swanberg, Diane Passno, and Walter L. Larimore
http://www.dennisswanberg.com
http://drwalt.com

Our personal journey through ADHD, OCD, depression, and anxiety can be read about more in Not Just on Sundays: Seeking God’s Purpose in Each New Day.

*The Tigger tiger of Winnie the Pooh fame

**This blog has been shared at Pick Your Pin TuesdayA Little R&R Wednesdays, RaRa Link-UpWomen With Intention Wednesdays, Me, Coffee & Jesusand Coffee & Conversation.

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2014 in ADHD, Anxiety/OCD/Depression

 

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Parenting in a Coffee Shop [Excerpt from “Not Just on Sundays”]

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Espressos of Faith offers another excerpt (below) of Not Just on Sundays: Seeking God’s Purpose in Each New Day. One section of the book focuses on coffeehouse stories where life slows down to observation mode, and much can be reflected upon in both the quietness of being still and the white noise hum of sitting in a public space. A great amount of parenting is also done there—both my parenting of my own children and my listening to the Father parent me. Pull up a chair with me for a minute, and imagine (or remember) these moments with your own children. Take a minute to find some rest in your day. Thanks for joining me!

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I enjoy being in a coffee shop for various reasons: to write, read, observe people, talk to a friend, treat someone to a pumpkin latte, etc. Of course, I can come up with almost any excuse to sit in one for a few hours. Really, just smelling the coffee alone calls me in like a beacon. I feel like I’ve finally made it to the mother ship when I smell fresh beans grinding or brewing. But some of my very best parenting moments also happen there. When a child has a particular issue to talk out, we can focus on each other better, away from home, in a different setting. If one of them has a challenging project, I will take that child for a muffin or decaf iced latte to help him or her focus and break down the task into smaller pieces. Several years ago, I took Chickie to a local coffeehouse to plan out her report on fairy tales. On other occasions, we have come just to de-stress and play some Skip-Bo®. During those times, the kids tend to share more of their lives with us.

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Dear 4th Through 8th Grade Girl:

Recently, I was looking over class pictures from elementary school (ages 5-11) with Chickie, my middle schooler. What saddened us both was that so many little chickies (my term of endearment for girls) are currently being pressured to trade in their true, sweet, first grade selves of yesterday—their original personhood—for whatever others want them to be in this fleeting moment of tween/teen angst. Hopefully, most of them will come out the other side and find themselves again—or perhapDear 4th Through 8th Grade Girls discover, for the very first time, the dreams in their own hearts—but the upper elementary school and middle school ages (9-14) are those “how do I define myself to get others to like me” years that I grieve for girls. As we looked at photos, I was pleased to see that, while some were trying on identities to please the demanding Group Think of a mythical popular crowd constantly being redefined, there were a certain number of chickies continuing to remain true to themselves over the years—still matching their younger selves, only more mature.

Realistically, these “true-to-self” girls may walk a bit more alone right now, at times. They may not travel in huge groups, and they may occasionally sit alone on the bus or at the school cafeteria. But as they grow in wisdom and maturity, they will draw deep satisfaction from holding firm to their real identities—not new ones fabricated by others for them to wear—during these really rough (at times) years. 

Dear 4th Through 8th Grade Girl:

It takes great courage to keep being you in the storms of catty behavior and popularity contests, but it’s the only you you should ever be! Even some adults don’t fully understand this. You have my utmost admiration, chickies, holding to your real selves while facing a culture where girls feed off the insecurities of other girls just for sport and false confidence. Even the entertainment industry reinforces this as normal behavior you should adopt toward each other.

Please believe me when I tell you: It’s not.

You can do better for yourselves.

You can set the bar higher.

If I could scream into a megaphone right now and reach every 4th through 8th grade girl in one moment, or two, I’d tell you:

–Ask for reassurance instead of lashing out at each other when you start worrying nobody likes you or you are feeling insecure. It’s normal to feel insecure now and again. It’s not normal to use it as an excuse to hurt anyone.

–There is real, positive power in kindness and paying it forward. Try to look for the good or potential in those around you instead of a cutthroat “survival of the fittest” approach.

–Trash-talking divides everyone so that they are alone. So does gossip in general. If your words divide people, it’s not hard to see it, and it becomes a label you will work very hard to shake off yourself. You will eventually end up the brunt of the hurtful jokes and slurs you yourself are making. It’s only a matter of time. Choose grace toward others instead.

–Learn to be okay with not being in control of your friends all of the time, accept that some of your peeps will hang with peeps you don’t like or understand, and practice being okay with not being the center of attention, if you tend to love that limelight. If you have to be negative to get the spotlight, it’s not a spotlight you are going to want further down the line when you find it always following you, with only negative people attracted to its glow.

–Celebrate being chicks with each other, finding strength in whom God made you to be. Being female is awesome! At the end of the day, it’s a common bond and a very level playing field. That girl you don’t like on your soccer team with the funny teeth? She could be the kind face delivering your baby someday when you’re in 48 hours of labor, or be the specialist helping your child through his reading delay. Or you could hold her hand through her first mammogram. What’s waiting for us down the line in life has more in common than it does differences. You will save yourself so much heartache if you start looking at it that way right now.

–It’s so much more awesome to find what we have in common and encourage each other than to mock what we don’t understand.

–The awkward years of losing the child part of us don’t last forever, and…

–We need to learn how to build into friendships for when we reach the other side of these years. We need each other.

I’d also tell you that you are beautiful and precious in God’s sight.

King David speaks about how God sees you, me, us: fearfully and wonderfully made! Friends will come and go, but the voice and word of God will always be around to guide you and to ground you, because He made you and is so pleased with whom and what He has made.

Psalm 139:13-18, King David speaking to God when he was made king over Israel

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

This post was also featured at  Mom 2 Mom Monday Link-UpGrace & Truth Link-UpA Little R & RCoffee & ConversationSaturday Soirée Blog, and Christian Mommy Blogger.

 
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Posted by on September 2, 2014 in Teens, Tweens/Children

 

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Texting: Can We Raise Our Kids From a Posture of Fear?

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About a year ago, I had a discussion with Kid 2 (then age 10) about internet safety. Computer use at home is always in our line of sight, and really, only certain sites are approved by us. Searches need to be educational in purpose and have our okay and assistance. But it’s a good reminder what awful stuff awaits out there and why we have to guard our minds and eyes. It’s not really a very safe place out there. “Stay on the sidewalks I draw for you, Child, so you don’t get hurt. If you step off, I can’t protect you, and there’s no turning back or erasing that kind of scariness or darkness from your mind.”

In the meantime, I had a very conscientious and caring parent in my circle of friends raise an interesting question recently about navigating the texting world with our teens and tweens, and I feel it is such a valid concern so many parents of teens—and nowadays tweens—face, I wanted to discuss it blog-style.

People may disagree with me, and that’s okay, but I feel like the world of texting is actually an open garden of practicing social responsibility as well as building trust with my children, when done correctly (and at the right ages—the “right” age being something we parents may differ on). My oldest has had an iTouch since Christmas of his 6th grade year. He isn’t a phone talker (which I celebrate, since I’m not either), and he isn’t much into emailing, but the quick text-fests he and his friends occasionally engage in offer a space where he can practice so many things.

(As a side note, we agreed to him getting the highest-memory iPod Touch he could get at the time because he would use the memory for his deep love of music and a few apps, but only if he saved and paid half of it himself. That was about a year or more of saving. Paying for half made us feel more justified in using the iTouch as leverage the few times we needed to, and it also got across the greater message that while he saved up and persevered to earn something, during the time that he continues to live with us and be otherwise provided for, nothing that expensive is so much in his ownership that we can’t remove it when the attitude needs adjustment. And as a result, we have rarely had to remove it. He understands that while he alone uses it, it’s still only half his. We stumbled upon this concept by trial/error in our parenting. It worked with the iTouch anyway.)

My kids know that when they text or email:

1.) They need to write it as if all parents are watching, and in most cases—we all are.
2.) In general, photos of people should not be sent, at least not without me reviewing it first and only on very rare occasion.
3.) Content needs to be edifying.
4.) Conversation needs to be pure.
5.) It’s not a place to share confidences/secrets.
6.) We, parents, have all passwords and can check at any point to see what the conversation is about.

I would never embarrass my child by referring to it to anyone else, but I do reserve the right to spot-check.

I am not afraid of letting him text because, if I’m committed to spot-checking it, it more or less creates an open window into his world: What are they talking about? thinking about? paying attention to?

They learn:

–Self-control and restraint
–Time management
–How to better communicate and be understood in written/typed word
–Where the dangers are

So, I choose not to parent from a posture of fear on this one—caution and monitoring: yes, but fear: no. I choose to roll with the latest technology and put up the right safeguards and lessons to make it another place to teach my children. I don’t love everything about it, but there is good to be gleaned from it, if we’re deliberate in our parenting.

That said, sometimes we have a child who is more defiant and strong-willed. Sometimes we have to pull the rug out on his/her communication until he/she is more respectful. I call that boundary-parenting and good discipline, and not fear-based. Fear-based parenting* says everything is scary and needs our handholding through it, to the point we can’t let go, and we miss the chance to have our kids learn greater independence and responsibility.

And let me end by saying that handing a 10 year old a texting device is completely different than giving one to a 13 year old; obviously, there would have to be more structure and monitoring to go with the younger ages. No judgment on anyone else whatsoever, but in our house, my kids have to be almost 12 before any texting device becomes part of their world, and any emailing before 12 has to be approved by me before it gets sent. But if you have a younger peep with a device like that, then I of course support more structure, rules, and checking. It’s not about the age, so much, as it is about how willing are you to be on top of it? I personally wasn’t willing to “go there” until they were on the edge of teen and until they had navigated enough in-person social conflict to manage digital communication as an extension of that—an additional challenge.

To me, the scariest thing about texting isn’t the device in my own kid’s hand; it’s the unmonitored device in the hands of another. Like anything else, all I can do is teach them how to avoid pitfalls, be wise, protect themselves the best that they can, and tend to their own character.

Even if your rules are different than mine, what has worked for you on this issue? 

*Great references for fear-based versus grace-based parenting can be found below:

Kimmel, Tim. Grace-Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free. Nashville, TN.: W Pub. Group, 2004.

Chip Ingram is a wonderful resource for parenting in this new high-technology age and can be found at:
http://livingontheedge.org

 

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