Today, I am trying something different at “Espressos of Faith.” I was recently drafting a texting contract for one of my children, and I brainstormed many guidelines, but I’m sure I didn’t catch them all. I realize that people have different parenting styles. This is just mine. I can also see where a 6th grader would have (hopefully) tighter parent reins than an 8th grader who has shown responsibility and maturity in this area. I have a high schooler, a middle schooler, and an elementary school child. We have navigated this tricky world of online communication with one so far and are in the middle of the training ground with another.
This list is a brainstorm for training. It’s intended to be the guardrails necessary for helping a tween or young teen find safety and structure in the digital and online world. The wording is designed to let them know which statements are advice best heeded and which ones are imperatives, or non-negotiables. Again, this is a work-in-progress. I’m open to feedback.
Today, I pose these questions to readers:
What would you add?
What would you take away?
What would you change?
What has worked for you?
I’d love to hear from you.
Bonnie Lyn Smith,
Author of Not Just on Sundays: Seeking God’s Purpose in Each New Day
P.S. This topic first appeared at Espressos of Faith in Texting: Can We Raise Our Kids From a Posture of Fear?
P.P.S. risk(within)reason is a great resource for managing your child’s digital footprint.
Texting, Emailing, and Messaging Guidelines for Middle Schoolers
You can use your iPod Touch after homework (unless we’ve made a different arrangement that day) if the following rules are adhered to:
1.) No texting/emailing/messaging/playing a game with or otherwise interacting with any friend before 8 AM and after 8 PM.
2.) No forwarding *anything* (especially *no video or photo content* but also no email forwarding) for anyone else, of anyone else, or about anyone else, even if you have his/her permission. Whatever you share or forward makes you culpable, not only in our home, but it leaves a digital footprint legally.
3.) No pressuring anyone else to respond/forward/share/get an app you want them to have, etc. In general, no pressuring people at all, without good reason (he/she needs to carry through his/her end of a school project, as one example).
4.) Overall, it’s usually best not to share a photo showing you are with a different friend on a group chat, especially if that chat only has three people on it, and you two are together, but the other person is not. There are exceptions to this, but in general, that is just polite social behavior in the tween/early teen world. Too many unnecessary hurt feelings and insecurities erupt at this age from unnecessary “look whom I’m with” photo postings. In general, avoid group chatting when you can. It leads to trouble. Almost always. Something often gets misunderstood when three or more people communicate digitally.
5.) Absolutely no exchanging of any game or other password on text/email/message in typed/video/audio form. Similarly, no asking for anyone’s passwords.
6.) It is best not to continue an extensive argument in digital form. You must be in person, FaceTime, or on the phone to have productive conversations where meaning and tone are understood. We’ve been there, done that, and lived through the damage. Even though these are the very words you hate to hear follow any parent statement, we’re going to say them anyway: Trust us on this one.
7.) Avoid repeat begging for a reply after second attempt to get your friend to respond to you. Nobody likes to come back and find 40 short texts left there just to annoy or get their attention.
8.) You do not need to follow anyone’s “orders.” You are your own person. You do not have to forward, go fetch, share homework, etc., just because a strong-willed friend is asking you to. “No” or “no, thank you” work beautifully in emails/messages/texts as much as they do in person.
9.) No recorded video conversations until you are in high school, and even then, with guidelines.
10.) No discussing another person in any way other than: “Was she in school today?” or “Have you heard from her?” You leave evidence of every reference, every conversation. We don’t care if it’s venting about a teacher, a parent, or another student: That needs to be done in person or talking on the phone.
11.) If we have to consider whether or not your emoji is offensive, it is. Get it off there.
12.) No pouty/sexy looks in pictures. We are not ____________ [insert name of any current tabloid magazine celebrity of your choosing].
13.) No pictures of other people sent in text/message/email.
14.) No sharing of locations or plans to leave the house, go on vacation, etc.
15.) No interacting with someone you don’t know. Don’t even join a group chat if you don’t know every member by face and context. Verify, verify, verify.
16.) No telling anything private or confidential in a text/message/email. Any discussions meant in confidence should happen in person or on the phone and with discretion. Nothing’s a secret once it’s in typed/audio/video form.
17.) No threatening/pressuring language of any kind, not even: “I will be upset with you if…” That is putting conditions on someone with emotional manipulation. We don’t play that way, nor do we respond to those kind of messages. Please let us know if you receive those, so we can help you.
18.) No sharing anyone else’s email, text address, phone number, or address with others, even if he/she gives you permission. That is for that person to share.
19.) The texting device gets put on counter or away during meals, family conversations, appointments, church, and any other location you need to talk to people, and it can only be consulted after homework or during designated breaks. It reports back to the dock by 8 PM.
20.) We never text and walk (or bike, or, when you’re older: drive). We would never cross the street or parking lot looking at a texting device. We value our lives more than our devices. 🙂
21.) Failure to respect boundaries and rules results in apologies given individually to people who were involved. Other parents may sometimes have to be involved. So, be careful how you manage rules so you can keep yourself safe and others safe, and you can avoid embarrassing parent involvement.
22.) Passwords can’t change without letting us know. We have a right to spot-check at any time without receiving any attitude about it.
Please sign here that you understand your responsibilities: ___________________________
If this list seems too long, too hard to remember, over the top in any way, or stressful, it’s okay. We get it. It just means that you are not ready to have a texting device, and we can revisit this when you’re ready. We want you to feel comfortable with this new responsibility. Every rule on here is because we love you so incredibly much.
Mom and Dad,
The People Whose Job It Is to Keep You Safe and to Train You in Becoming a Good Citizen, Friend, Person
Also the People Who Feed, Clothe, and Shelter You
*This blog has been shared at Mom 2 Mom Monday Link-Up, Grace & Truth, Faith-Filled Fridays, A Little R & R, and Christian Mommy Blogger.
January 20, 2015 at 1:48 pm
Great rules, Bonnie Lyn! You sound like a great parent! Congratulations! I have nothing to add; you’ve covered all the bases!
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Bonnie Lyn Smith
January 21, 2015 at 2:41 pm
Hi, Traci. Thanks so much! So nice to see you stopping by! I really appreciate the encouragement! Blessings!
April 7, 2015 at 8:37 pm
Funny timing. Over at http://www.moralmorsels.com today KC was talking about drastic measures while parenting. Cell phone usage is the biggest battle we have faced with our teen/tween where we’ve had to get into some drastic parenting measures. My daughter thought that it would be okay for her to break the cell phone rules. So she lost her phone, and therefore her privilege to go anywhere without us or do anything, for 3 months! As a parent of kids this age, I think that it’s very important for there to be very clear boundaries for what is allowed and what isn’t. Kudos to you.
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Bonnie Lyn Smith
April 7, 2015 at 8:54 pm
Wow, Amy…thanks for telling me! I’ll go check out Moral Morsels! I so agree with you. These boundaries are guardrails. If we don’t teach them how to set them up for themselves and hold them accountable, who will? I am impressed with your sticking to the rules set up.
April 8, 2015 at 2:51 am
I am not too deep into this level of parenting yet as my kids are still young. They do have facebook, but I am on their accounts monitoring things more than they are ever on it to play random games or talk to grandma and grandpa. I will be looking these rules over more in a few more years I am sure.
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Bonnie Lyn Smith
April 8, 2015 at 10:31 am
Hi, kcgroves! Thanks for coming by! I didn’t feel prepared for it. We’ve created the rules as we go. My now-teen son had different issues than my tween daughter with it. So I created new rules to go with old ones because we’re a work-in-progress over here. I bet I will add to this and edit it over time.