Tag Archives: sadness

When Holidays Are Painful

when-holidays-are-painful-3It was a dreary, overcast day when I pulled into the parking lot at the counseling center in New Hampshire. I had made the 40-minute trip so many times before, almost on autopilot, but this time it had been about eight weeks since my last visit. I knew we were approaching November, the month that shook me down—several times in my life, actually. Around this time last year, I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life in fetal position crying out to God from under the covers; the devastation of loss and grieving without a funeral where family could gather to comfort one another almost did me in.

So I walked into the nurse’s office, sat down, and must have looked very tired. She asked me how I was and kept staring intently as if she didn’t believe me when I said I was doing well.

“It’s closing in on the first anniversary of your father’s death, you know. How are you preparing for that?”

Um, yeah, so I’m not, really. I’ve done everything I can to push it out of my head. As Thanksgiving approaches and I remember how shut out I felt this time last year from holding his hand one last time as he lost consciousness, I just want to skip past all holidays and land on January 1, 2017. (I wouldn’t mind skipping Election Day either. Let’s just try again this time next year, shall we? Restart?)

You see, November and I go way back.

We got off to a good start when I started dating my husband (now of 23 years) on November 18, 1990.

Almost two decades later, circumstances derailed me. In the midst of significant depression Read the rest of this entry »


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School Start: Open House Angst


I have to admit that I wasn’t very enthused about going to the lower elementary school open house this morning. For one thing, it was a reminder of all the paperwork and gym shoe shopping I still had to do. For another, this week already had a middle school tour, a high school tour, four karate classes, blog deadlines, marketing plan to go over and rework, too many late nights still when the kids should be easing back into earlier bedtimes—but they aren’t—finishing those books that needed to be read over the summer by my resident tween and teen, a husband traveling all week, clean laundry all over the hallway waiting for the folding fairy, and two appointments to catch up with one of the specialists my child sees 45 minutes away. This is on top of the fact that our affordable grocery store chain in the Boston area is still on strike (pretty much the entire summer!). I’m about to let Samson and Delilah (our Shih Tzus) loose to hunt bunnies and squirrels and roast them over the fire because I do not have it in me to go into massive grocery stores and learn a new layout. (And don’t get me started on returning to school the day before the buses roll in to give asthma meds to the school nurse because that is a separate trip from the open house.)

The truth is we have great schools. I’m not unhappy about school starting. But last year was a rough ride for Little Man, and the closer we head into school starting again, the more I see the panic creeping in. It took me a few days, but I think I can name it now. I think he is processing this: “Will I feel that sad again? If we enter the same time of year when the Great Sadness came, does it get to gobble me up again?” And so I gently coaxed him into meeting his new teacher because, even though she didn’t have to, she came in today to reassure her students. But he stood there empty, flat, dark circles under the eyes, and tears brimming but not spilling. He vocalized that he didn’t want to think about school starting. And yet he is a very jovial kid, usually. He’s fun to be around and humorous. This is the kid I wanted to go in and meet his sweet teacher today.

But we don’t plan anxious thoughts. We don’t schedule them. They are always inconvenient. And I felt my own rigidity as I battled within between frustration and great sadness. He met his classmates with cautious greeting, and he wanted to rush me right out of there.

And I took a few steps back. I considered that jovial Little Man can also be fearful Little Man, but one doesn’t mean the other is no longer there. I thought about how it feels to fear the return of the Great Sadness. It sucks us inside-out. But my job is to let him know we are victors, he and I. He doesn’t know my story yet, but I know his. And we can face that time of year again together, gasping for air if we have to, but putting our hands in the hands of Jesus and taking a big step. We are not alone.

This year was full of big steps for Little Man. God gave him many people to help him, and he came through just fine. But even in the low points, there was a Best Friend walking with us, holding Little Man up so he didn’t fold into himself. We keep asking Him to make something beautiful from the Great Sadness. And we know that He will because only He can turn darkness into light that shines such beauty over everything in its path. I’m personally so grateful for this promise that a holy God would walk among us. It brings our family tremendous comfort and confidence. If you believe in Him, where do you feel Him taking steps with you in this season?

Leviticus 26:12, God speaking through Moses

“I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people.”

Philippians 4:4-9, Apostle Paul speaking

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

More discussion on how God walks with us in very tangible, clear ways can be found in Not Just on Sundays: Seeking God’s Purpose in Each New Day, expected September 2014.


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