Dental Shaming: Dear Pediatric Dental Hygienist

13 May

Dental Shaming-Dear Pediatric Dental HygienistI wrote the following to my children’s pediatric dental office. I did not want to mention their name, as a courtesy, because overall I’ve had a great experience there, and it takes a lot for me to put down someone’s business. We all need grace and second chances.

But I had to write it. And I had to share it. Because I know other parents out there deal with this. I know you struggle to get your child comfortable with going, and there can be something so subtle as tone and attitude that make or break the positive experience for a child.

I left the office before I spoke from my anger. I consulted friends, slept on it, prayed about it, and decided to send this. I measured each word carefully. I hope they take my advice and use it as a learning tool. If nothing else, I helped Little Man’s voice be heard. I don’t care how someone makes me feel, but he walked out of there feeling completely defeated, and a pediatric dental hygienist with a bad attitude is not someone we base our self-esteem on. Shake it off, Little Man. I got this. You worry about chasing butterflies and checking on your cabbage plant.


To the attention of the office manager, the dentist, and the hygienist who treated my son yesterday:

I wanted to discuss my poor experience yesterday at the 4:30 PM appointment for my 10 year old son. What I’m about to share with you will hopefully be used as healthy feedback for your staff. We all have bad days now and again, but when I see a consistent problem that can drive people away from your business, I would like to share with you my experience in hopes that you use it constructively for the future.

First, let me say that I have had mostly wonderful experiences over the years with everyone in that office, from front desk staff, to all dentists I’ve encountered, and every dental hygienist, except for one, the one who did follow-up with us, alongside the dentist, around 5:20 PM yesterday.

We have had her before, and I was less than pleased by her tone and attitude toward both child and parent in several experiences, but my older son is a teenager and could blow it off. Not everyone is going to click. I don’t have to like someone to have them do a great job with my child’s teeth.

Fast forward to yesterday. My anxious/special needs child (10 years old) was reasonable and compliant. I even expressed some of his concerns and needs to the first pediatric dental hygienist who greeted us (different from the one who cleaned his teeth). When I came back for the report: no cavities. The dentist and I were having a lovely conversation when I asked about how well he was doing brushing. The dental hygienist interrupted and spoke in an inappropriate shaming tone, something along the lines of this:

“We called his bluff, Mom. He did a good job preparing today right before the appointment, and so now, Mom, we know he can do it, and there’s absolutely no reason he can’t take care of his teeth like this all of the time. That was far too much plaque for him. He shouldn’t have to be cleaned to that extent. There’s no reason he can’t do better. He proved it today that he’s capable so you need to hold him accountable.” 

This all was said in front of my son, by the way, as if he were an object in the room and it was her job to give him a lecture.

Let me just say that I don’t mind honesty, but the delivery was insulting and shaming to a child and a parent.

I sat there, stunned at the tone (not the content….I don’t mind honest content). It’s not the first time she’s left me ruffled in her lack of bedside manner and condescension.

What she doesn’t know is he spent 20 minutes brushing his teeth 3 times, flossing, gargling. 

What she doesn’t know is he was desperately afraid of displeasing her based on a previous experience.

What she doesn’t know is the toothpaste flavor is difficult, but he didn’t complain.

What she doesn’t know is he chews his toothbrushes for sensory feedback.

She doesn’t know I had already done a lot of work to get him comfortable coming in to the office to be less anxious in seeing her in the first place. I was already exhausted trying to make it a good experience for both my child and the hygienist ahead of time.

After taking a deep breath and composing myself, I said something like this:

“You know, what you just said may be important, and I agree that it is, but with this particular child I see so many specialists for so many things and get told difficult things all the time, that what you just said isn’t as important to me in light of that right now.”

When the dentist asked if I was okay, I said:

“I’m overwhelmed, to be honest, by this. I’m going to need to leave now.” 

My only requests:

1) My children’s charts get flagged so that none of them have this hygienist ever again. If that requires rescheduling future cleanings, I’m happy to be flexible about that.

2) Please make sure those involved read this. I believe every bad experience can lead to greater understanding and personal and professional growth. I would like to think the office staff involved in my situation feel the same way.

The moral of the story is: Yes, he does need to brush his teeth better. But, my son is a child with multiple issues. He was compliant. He did what you asked. He didn’t take up extra time, really. But you do not know his personal battles, and teeth do need care, yes, but so does the whole person. I have bigger battles right now.

There are ways to communicate truth about how to have better dental health to parents without shaming and embarrassing both parent and child. Her response was offensive and completely inappropriate. This is a pediatric dental office. You never know what someone is dealing with in the “whole child” when you express concern over the dental piece. The dental piece is one piece of a whole child. Instead of shaming, try encouraging and graciously communicating the concern. It goes a long way to build trust and understanding. These are children.


Bonnie Lyn Smith



Dental Shaming- Dear Pediatric Dental Hygienist2

*This blog has been shared at any link highlighted here: Mom 2 Mom Monday Link-Up, Make a Difference Mondays, Pick Your Pin Tuesday, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Grace & Truth, A Little R & R, RaRa Link-Up, Me, Coffee & Jesus, Dance With Jesus, Blessing Counters, Coffee & Conversation, Saturday Soiree, Tell His Story, Find Stability, So Much at Home, Faith-Filled Fridays, Reflect His Love and Glory Link-Up, Bonbon & Coffee Linkup, and Christian Mommy Blogger.

More of my personal story of uncovering my child’s special needs can be found in Not Just on Sundays: Seeking God’s Purpose in Each New Day (includes Book Club Discussion Questions).


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11 responses to “Dental Shaming: Dear Pediatric Dental Hygienist

  1. Traci@tracesoffaith

    May 14, 2016 at 8:12 am

    I think it’s a matter of importance that you covered in grace. While you’ve had positive experiences in the past, this one warranted attention. I hope they respond with grace as well and the matter can be resolved in some way.


    • Bonnie Lyn Smith

      May 17, 2016 at 1:50 pm

      Thank you so much, Traci! I really appreciate you weighing in here. I was going for grace, but it can so hard at times. I hope they use it for the future in a positive way. Blessings!



    May 14, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    I am SO sorry you had to experience this, Bonnie. It’s wrong. Out right wrong. And I’m glad you sent them this letter. Such a shame to have someone working with kids using that tone and attitude. I’m just so sad for your boy and all he had to endure- and I’m equally sad for you- mama. I’m sure it was one thing you did NOT need to deal with, address, and manage along with other difficulties going on.

    The letter was elegantly and beautifully expressed. Your words are always so well written- such a gift you are, as a person and a writer. ❤


    • Bonnie Lyn Smith

      May 17, 2016 at 3:21 pm

      That’s so sweet, Chrissy! Thank you! I just hope it gives them pause for the future…not just with me but with any child. Now I understand why he dreaded going to see her, and I didn’t take him seriously at the time. Blessings! Thanks so much for coming by!


  3. Sharon

    May 16, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    So, so sorry. I am so glad that you took the time, and had the courage, to gracefully address the poor treatment and the misguided words. Sometimes people don’t think about the impact of their words and their tone of voice, and it’s good for them to be reminded. What a well-written letter, and a much-needed reminder for this person to treat the *whole* person and not just their mouth.

    Plaque can be fixed, sometimes the things that come out of our mouths can’t…


    Liked by 1 person

    • Bonnie Lyn Smith

      May 17, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      Sharon, you always make my day seeing you pop on here! I love what you say about plaque versus words. I really don’t like confronting these things, but I am not a fan of people condescending to children like that. I can’t not say something after hearing it several visits. Blessings on your day!


  4. Sasha

    October 26, 2017 at 11:10 am

    I’m so sorry you and your son went through this! My oldest has autism and sensory processing disorder. He has struggled with going to a dentist (with severe panic … thankfully it has gotten better). It shocks me at the ignorance that some “professionals” have and how they don’t understand special needs. I’m pinning this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bonnie Lyn Smith

      October 30, 2017 at 8:33 am

      Thanks, Sasha. I really appreciate you sharing your own story. I get frustrated by running into this more often than I’d like. Blessings to you and your son!


  5. helloleahgrey

    October 26, 2017 at 11:24 am

    Is he autistic? Just curious. My step-son has a really hard time brushing his teeth, it’s a struggle. Especially if I buy the wrong toothpaste. We found one he really likes but it’s from Canada! lol He’s 10 1/2 and it takes us a good twenty minutes or more to get the teeth brushed, let alone flossing and anything else. It’s very difficult to “force” a child to do something, special needs or not! Compassion is always needed for parents!


  6. Mihaela Echols

    October 26, 2017 at 5:26 pm

    This stuff is hard. Way to advocate for you child mama! I think it’s awesome that he tried his best before he came in! Some kids dont even try. Keep at it! And who doesn’t have plague on their teeth?



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